Religion is 'married' to Politics!? No Way!

There seems to be much handwringing in the media about whether religion and politics seem too cozy. This constant accusation is leveled every election cycle against Evangelicals who flex their rightful political muscles in national and state elections. This, obnoxious griping, usually begets the same old tired gossip.

[whisper] "shhh... did you hear?"

no...what?

[exclamation] "Religion and Politics are married!!"

*gasp*

The conversation about whether politics is married to religious faith is a good one if it were true. It appears that this dull accusation is presumed factual, yet painfully devoid of a supporting cast of evidence. So instead of doing the work for the accuser, let’s engage this accusation from a different angle.

For discussion sake, let’s say, that ‘if’ the religious & political canoodling gripe is true, and that ‘if’ is a real big ‘if’ because...

[cue Entertainment Tonight intro music]
Yes, that's right, Ladies and Gentlemen, you heard it here first, the exclusive celebrity announcement that Politics and Religion have as in the past are only ‘seeing each other as friends’ at this time.

This is due to the fact that Politics has been married and divorced more than anyone can count and mostly *that Politics has shown himself to be quite the dapper fellow with the ladies.

[*replace with 'because the chicks really dig him and they want him badly']

Religion in America has always had the hardest time making him commit to even protecting her, let alone any kind of long term relationship!

"Gurrl, Puhlease!!"

Her head has helped her certainly where her heart hasn’t, and it has helped to know the stakes and her competition as well. Politics seems to have many admirers and all of them have desired to wed him, but he has proven too shrewd for all the girlz. Because, boys will be boys, and Politics wants to have his cake and eat it too. ...and guess what ! ...that’s exactly what all of his lovers let him do. He doesn’t have to wed anybody, but he gets to bed them all, *he’s got it made!

[*insert 'he's a playa!']

All of his lovers make him the best pastries imagined, with so many strings attached, yet it rarely satiates him for long. He, being the biggest, most cunning and noncommittal of them all, enjoys every little dainty, and soon cuts every string and moves on to the highest bidder.

Religion in America has known of his flirty and promiscuous ways for a while now. Her great-great-great-grandmother Religion in Rome bedded Politics some fifteen hundred years ago when a nice looking chap named Constantine thought she was kinda cute. Of course, the most hurtful of all, was when she was run off as a little girl by Politics and her very own jealous mother, Religion in England and Europe who made her life miserable.

Resolved, she made it her unyielding commitment to never fall in love with him or ever get in bed with him. She has also known that Politics’ lovers are more wealthier and much prettier and even worse, willing to go much more further than her. So what does a single girl like Religion in America do if she needs her garbage picked up and keep bad guys from stealing her income and security? Well, she made the best decision a girl can make, she decided that she could be a good platonic ‘friend’ of Politics, and keep him at arms length, always willing to forgive him but never missing a moment to yell in his insolent and prurient face.

I know what you are thinking. What could be the advantage of not being on Politics’ booty-call speed-dial?

Well, you see, this girl knows a secret, her own value! She has something many of his competing lovers don’t always have together...and that is all of her voting power and even more powerful, her intestinal and moral fortitude.

So when good-old-boy Politics, calls her up for the ‘once-every-term’ night on the town and later asks for more of her usual amount of votes, she asks him and thinks about what he has done for her lately. She’ll check up on Israel and see how her friend has been treated lately. Sometimes even after all this, she’ll decide its better to sit at home till next term. But other times she’ll send in a good amount of her votes, because he will impress her with grandiose speeches or symbolic gestures...and then she’ll say to herself, "Gurl, Politics has been friendly lately, and he has been listening better this last term, and I think he might do something next term."

She knows, that it has been in her interest to pay attention to him, because his many lovers will get him to do a great deal that affect her. Rarely, will she ever vote all her votes, that is usually saved for when she’s really angry with her duplicitous neighbors, Secular Atheism, Promiscuous Media and Covert Socialism, among others in America.

She’s learned a great deal from her tumultuous ‘friendship’ with Politics, but the best lesson has certainly been to keep your friends close and your enemies closest.

Jaison J. Raju